I flipped over my purse, dumping its contents onto the countertop and watching a lip-gloss roll over the edge.
“Where are they?” I muttered for the umpteenth time.
Let me set the scene for you; It’s 15 minutes AFTER we should have left the house to be fashionably late to anywhere and I still can’t find my keys. On top of this, contractors are coming to the house in a few hours to redo our floors and our downstairs is not its usual organized chaos. I have no idea where anything is, let alone where I stashed my keys the night before.
I threw a wistful glance at the key hook by the door as I opened the babygate to dash upstairs and check my night stand one more time.
Nope. Not there.
I’m starting to glisten. I’m late to my crossfit class. The King might miss breakfast at school and I’m resigning myself to waiting for DeconPapa to return home from the fire station to chauffeur our negligent asses around.
“Mama, can I have a banana peas?” the King asked. I nodded absentmindedly in his direction as I broke a banana from the bunch and handed it to him.
EUREKA! I had definitely taken my keys outside when I walked the dog the night before, maybe I dropped them in the grass. I pushed the patio door open and strode out into the backyard, King at my heels. Somewhere between Sherlock walking the fence line and using a stick to dig through the trashcan, I reached out and broke the banana for my son.
I did it without thinking, the banana was closed so I opened it. Logical, right?
Wrong. He started wailing.
“ I want to do it! Lemme open it!”
“King, it’s open eat your banana. Mama is still looking.”
Now I’m sweating in earnest, well in my armpits and upper lip mostly but at this point, who frickin cares? I can’t find the bloody keys and I’m being followed by a screaming 30 pound menace demanding that I use voodoo to magic his banana closed again. My patience is shot and my eye is steadily twitching. 20 minutes late…and climbing.
I turn back to my discarded purse when I hear the resounding thump of something heavy being thrown away. He had my full attention now.
I cocked my head and gazed at him from the side of my eye like a velociraptor “ Did you just THROW away that banana?”
He sensed that the atmosphere had changed drastically, but stuck to his guns. “ I want a new banana.”
I pounced, “ You don’t just throw away food!”
As I escorted him to his timeout corner, I threw all the cliched-classics at him;
- Have you lost your ever-loving mind?
- There are children in this world who are starving and would give anything for that banana!
- Maybe some time out will help you reflect on what you’ve done.
- Wait until I tell your father about this!
No shame in this Mama’s game, I turned to resume my quest for keys and asked him ” Do you think bananas just grow on trees?”
“Yes Mama, on banana trees” He replied. Smartass.
…….I see what I did there.
Seeing me calmer, he asked me if he could bring his toy cars to school.
“Sure, honey go get them.” I told him.
“Cars go vroom. They go fast, but they need keys to drive.”
I muttered “Ain’t that the truth” under my breath, and inhaled sharply as the King pulled my keys out of his toy garage.
“Now we can drive, Mama. I have my keys.”
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in and do not fucking freak. Breathe out.
We rushed to the car and had backed down the driveway when I noticed that my child had no shoes on. Oh for pete’s sake…..